Stephanie is my cousin-in-law. She is a bright, insightful, funny person it has been my pleasure to get to know. The main theme of Stephanie's post is mental illness, and I appreciate her willingness to be forthright and honest about her experiences and the desire to use her first-hand knowledge to help others. As I read it I was struck by another, underlying theme- that of Angels. So many earthly angels were (are) placed in her life to help her during her darkest moments, and I believe the same is true for all of us. A few weeks ago at church two lines stood out to me from different hymns that were sung on the same day. The first is from the fourth verse of Count Your Many Blessings: "When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, When you are discouraged thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings, angels will attend- help and comfort give you till your journey's end." The second was the phrase "Friends on earth and friends above" from the third verse of For the Beauty of the Earth. Each of us has a life filled with angels- both heavenly and earthly. I am grateful for all of the angels in my life, and I sincerely hope that if the time comes that someone needs me to be their earthly angel, I will be willing and ready.
For many years, I’ve been sick with an illness which, unfortunately, many people mistakenly believe is something to just be gotten over with. However, from my own experience, I’ve learned that mental illness has the potential to be completely debilitating and if left untreated, can create devastation for the mentally ill patient and for everyone around them. I’d like to share some of my experiences with mental illness, and hope that this can help someone else who may be suffering similarly to me.
When I was twenty-two, I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I had known something was wrong for years prior to this diagnosis. Thankfully, though, Heavenly Father was always one step next to me, just waiting for me to reach out to him…I just didn’t know it yet.
I’m not really sure how other people saw me in Junior High and High School, which was the time my problems started. I didn’t have many good friends. Honestly, I just didn’t know what to do with other people, and other people really didn’t know what to do with me. I was harboring this really big secret that I didn’t want anyone to find out about. I had silently labeled myself as “crazy” and was terrified of anyone seeing that side of me. Like any teen, I just wanted to be normal. So I pretended to be normal. I went to school, tried to make friends, went to church, and did everything I felt that “normal” people did. Secretly, though, I knew I was slowly losing the battle with my illness and every day the idea of taking my life was becoming stronger and stronger. I was losing. I was dying.
Finally, the thoughts of suicide became too much to handle. When I was fifteen, suicide was one of the things I thought about the most. Many people in that situation turn to drugs or alcohol to self-medicate. In my case, I had a strong testimony of the Word of Wisdom and refused to self-medicate in such a way. I was too weak to ask anyone for help, plus I had no idea where help could be found. What else could I do but pray? Aside from actually going through with taking my life, there was really nothing else I could do but pray. So I prayed. And I prayed. For a while, I felt nothing in response to my prayers. What else could I do, though? I didn’t want to die. I prayed more.
Then Heavenly Father sent me an angel in the form of a dear Young Women’s leader. This wonderful woman had lost her son to mental illness some time before, and was able to quickly realize that I needed help. This dear, precious angel helped me to tell her my secret. After saying the words out loud, it was like a great weight had been lifted off of me. This sister was able to find me another angel in the form of a caring, understanding therapist. After a while, I was able to work up the courage to go to my family doctor and ask for medication to help with my illness.
This is where lots of stories end with “happily ever after,” but mental illness doesn’t go away. Often, the brain will develop a tolerance to the patient’s medication, causing it not to work anymore. This has happened to me several times. In each time of relapse, though, as I’ve reached out to the Lord, he has always answered my prayers. Though in these times it’s difficult to see the hand of the Lord, as I look back he has always been there to help me in one form or another.
When I was twenty-one, I gave birth to my daughter and developed postpartum depression. Oddly enough, I didn’t recognize this at all. My husband saw it clearly, but somehow I thought nothing was wrong. I started taking a new anti-depressant, and this helped somewhat. I couldn’t help but think that I was sick because I had done something wrong. I thought that if I had just been more faithful, I wouldn’t be feeling the way I did. I guess I thought the Lord was punishing me for not being better than I am. Before my little one was born, I would often slide into another round of depression at these thoughts. As I looked at my newborn, I realized that I had no room to be sick like that anymore. I had no idea where to turn, so again I prayed.
“Father, have I not done enough to be healed of this infirmity? Have I not earned the healing blessings of the Atonement? Why have thou seen fit to have me live with depression?”
The answer came quickly, as if I were hearing the voice of the Lord speak the words, “Oh dear little one, you agreed to this in the preexistence. If I were to take it away from you now, in this life, I would be breaking promises I made to you long before you were born.”
As the spirit wrapped itself around me like a warm blanket, I realized that the Lord accepted and loved me as I was. I took great comfort and peace knowing that my illness was not a result of my sins, but of brain chemistry and genetics. I felt that I had permission to be sick, and this inspired me to get better. I found a new psychiatrist, another angel who helped me to better understand that my illness was more than just depression, but completely manageable and possible to live with. As difficult as it has been to live with, it has been one of the greatest blessings of my life because if nothing else, it forced me to learn to “Come Unto Christ.”
**For sake of clarification: Depression, and feeling depressed are two separate things. Feeling depressed happens to all of us at one point or another, and things like reading scriptures, serving others, attending the temple, etc. can have a positive effect on getting rid of those feelings. Depression and other related mental illnesses, are medical, physical issues that many times cannot be helped without medicine and other interventions. One of my other friends that suffers from depression found peace in recognizing that having a mental illness is like diabetes- it is a treatable illness, without a cure, that requires medication and lifestyle changes to be as healthy as possible and to live to the best of her ability, and while faith can help- it does not cure. For a list of related articles and resources you can refer to this post that also talks about depression.
